Have you ever felt … exposed? I’m talking where your conscience is screaming at you and it feels like your flaws are simply … out there … as though everyone else can see your flaws too? Of course, I attribute much of this to having the Holy Spirit which is like having a conscience that is magnified 100x. Having been through some things, I’ve learned to appreciate that hypersensitivity, but other times, it leaves me feeling pretty … vulnerable.
There’s always those times when we mess up, right? Oddly, those are the moments where it’s easier to just shoo the voice away. You simply fess up, repent, and move on. But then there’s those other times. Those other times when maybe stress has been mounting and time and time again, you have really done your best to do it God’s way and you’ve done pretty well, but are getting pretty fatigued from the battle. It seems as though there is no end in sight to the endless barrage.
Then … BAM! It happens. The straw that broke the camels back. You find yourself in a situation where you just give in to the battle. These are the moments where you are tired of trying to do it right. The moments where you are tired of the fight. The moments you are tired of missing the victory. The moments where you are tired of taking the short end of the stick and giving in and seeing the enemy win. The moment where you are just tired of being tired. So you cave. You cave to the anger, the hurt, the pity … to all the ugly emotions that have been pounding to get into your dwelling place.
Ugh! I hate these moments. These are the moments that sneak up on you and make you deal with stuff that you have been doing a pretty good job at dodging. These are the moments that make you … gulp … fess up and confront how you really feel about stuff. The anger, the resentment, the mounting bitterness .. it’s all swimming around in your head now. If you are one of the lucky ones, Jesus keeps you from acting out on those feelings. This is the very place that Satan has been trying to take you and now, you’re there.
I’d love to tell you that there is a magic formula to get out of these situations, but unfortunately, there isn’t. All I know is that when God has gotten me in these moments, I can’t always say that I’m proud of how I respond. It’s in those moments where I feel like Paul … ‘oh wretched man that I am.’ It’s like being in a current of ugliness that even though I know I’m wrong, there’s no simple switch to flip and turn it off .
Up until that time, I felt like, ‘Cool! I got this. I’m good. I know God’s brought me through some things, but that’s okay … it’s all good. I know it’s gonna’ be okay.’ But now, it’s like, ‘This sucks. I was trying to do it HIS way and now THIS?’ I could go on, but if you’ve had any Christian walk at all, you get what I’m talking about. And the worst part is that you feel like you can’t say anything because you KNOW you are in the wrong spirit. UGH!!! The insanity of walking the walk!
For me, this wrestling continues until finally, I break and begin to puke all over God. NOOOO!! This isn’t what I wanted to do! But out it comes … all the hurt, the anger, the mounting bitterness, and list of unfair things you’ve been dealing with. Some people feel better after puking. Not me. I feel sick for the next 3 days. Man. I just gave a bunch of crap to God. I don’t think I blamed Him, but honestly, I was angry with Him and I’m not even sure that’s allowed and now .. Great!! I’ve messed up again. Sigh …. ever feel like you just aren’t going to get it right?
My husband, he’s different. He can get mad, blow up, then 5 minutes later he has a smile on his face like nothing ever happened. Me? I’m a woman. If you know anything about women, we just don’t work that way. Ugh! So I walk around humbled and pretty quiet for the next several days. I know Jesus’ blood covers my sins, but this is different. I’m not always the best at just picking up and getting back to ‘happy’ so quickly. I feel like a jerk and I wouldn’t blame Jesus if He lightning bolted me for my behavior. ….. But He doesn’t.
Somehow, He just lets me be and then, slowly, He gently finds a way to let me know He still loves me. How could He do that? I mean .. after all I said and did, He’s taking time to minister to me? He’s taking the time to let me know that no matter how mad, angry, and ugly I felt that I was, He STILL thinks I’m worth something? Okay, it’s all over …. I’m undone.
Only God! Only God can do this. Only God can allow us to be such jerks and then take the time to not only allow us to pound on, scream, and even blame Him and THEN take the time to whisper …. I still love you.
When this is the God we serve, how can we not be totally devoted to Him?
And we think we have this figured out? Ha! We haven’t even scratched the surface of what He has planned for us!
Yep … that’s right … exposed. And still … Satan can’t snatch me out of God’s hand.