This last Sunday, Pastor gave a great message. It was one on reflection. It was one of those messages where God is diving deep into your heart revealing some un-pleasantries that were hiding in a dark crevice tucked behind a bunch of justifications. Since then, I’ve been doing my best to confront this particular dust ball head on. Today, I realized that perhaps what I’ve really been doing is hanging on to expectations.
I don’t think it’s bad to have expectations. As a matter of fact, they can help people. Expecting good things is well … a good thing. But I’ve found that personally, when my expectations are repeatedly returned with disappointment, I tend to go in what I would refer to as, hibernation mode.
Maybe it’s because I’m not really sure how to handle the situation. Actually, I know that’s part of it. I tend to look at what I can do differently so I tend to withdraw believing that it’s best to think on it before reacting. Problem is, the repeated disappointment results in growing distrust and disgust that, unchecked, seeps out as sarcastic anger.
I had the revelation that the real problem I was contending with was holding onto expectations that I should really just turn over to Jesus. I’m not quite sure that this will solve my dilemma, but I do feel as though it’s a good place to start. I also feel it’s a much better option than attempting to simply manipulating myself or anyone else into believing that things are ‘just fine.’
Perhaps the distrust that I experience has more to do with the expectations I put out rather than a real trust issue. Turns out however, that I can not deny the fact that distrust ultimately means a lack of faith in God’s ability. I would never willingly say that I didn’t have faith in what God can do, however the repeated issue of distrust tells me … yep, there’s a malfunctioning wire that needs correction.
Ugh .. the double-edged sword of cleaning up your heart. Feels good when it’s done, but dang .. it’s a lot of work to get there.
I’m not completely sure how to sort out all these expectations quite yet. Turns out I’ve a heap of them that have been collecting for some time. Maybe in the end Jesus will tell me that there are a few I should keep, but in the mean time, I really need His help to determine which ones to toss and which ones to give Him for safe keeping.
Oddly, just talking about the job is making me feel better already. I’m okay with a little work. Especially if it means cleaning up that sess pool that was seething at me in the mirror the other day. Yikes!
Speaking of reflections, turns out it was a good thing I put that reminder on the mirror to not forget my smile. 🙂